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Emboldened by certain recent legal maneuverings [2] in the ad business, I’ve decided to file a complaint against AdFreak. Though I haven’t actually been terminated, most people who’ve worked with me agree that’s probably just a clerical oversight, so I wanted to get out in front of the situation.
Here are my grievances:
• Robot brothel visit. Management said it was a Radio Shack and we were stopping in for extension cords. Since then, I’ve been so confused. AC or DC? It keeps me awake at night.
• Bathhouse excursion. OK, technically they just asked me to bathe more often at my own house. Still, illustrating my posts with those little “stink lines” was degrading.
• Office attire. Fridays sans pants are a little too “casual.” The fact that I was the only one not wearing them doesn’t enter into it.
• Office arguments. David Lee Roth was better than Sammy Hagar, and everybody knows it. I’m sorry the conversation turned ugly and wish Brian a speedy recovery. (Psst: He illegally downloads MP3s. Check his hard drive!)
• Coffee runs. If you want two sugars, then say so. I’m not a mindreader. And yes, I kept the change. It’s $1.25. Sue me. (I mean, countersue me.)
• Too many Davids. I was the first! Hiring Griner and Kiefaber was a clear form of intimidation. Why can’t we call them “Larry” and “Moe” instead? (I don’t see any extra Tims in the place.)
Ah, the other two Davids [3] just served me with a complaint of their own, claiming they find it demeaning being referred to as “Larry” and “Moe.” I’m willing to make a deal: I’ll drop my suit if they drop theirs. They can even call me Curly.
—Posted by David Gianatasio