What will you watch this weekend? Take no more than one minute to decide. (Mashup above by Patrick Katz.)
Remember the Epic Bear Man viral video,  from way back when the Instagram crew were just starting work on yet another photography app? You know, 2010? Who knew it would take so long for a full-length movie version? Danny "Machete" Trejo takes the cash—let's hope it was cash—as the lead in Bad Ass, which appears to be a note-perfect tribute to '80s Golan-Globus Cannon multiplex fodder, from the title font to the hilariously retro explosions.
Got a yearning for a movie that promises a hipster rationalization of the existence of Christ in your life? One made by a staunch Wes Anderson fan directing a cast of kids who only just missed out on being dead in The Hunger Games? Blue Like Jazz would appear to be your kind of movie. There seems to be more and more Christianish propaganda in the multiplexes these days. Perhaps the Rapture is due after all. (Now there's  a very fine film about Jesus.)
Life Happens, to paraphrase John Lennon, while you're busy making other plans. According to this trailer, it is also what happens after a condom-free one-night stand. Krysten Ritter, presently television's Bitch in Apartment 23, is the girl fated to accessorize her infantile lifestyle with an infant. As the sidekick, Kate Bosworth appears to demonstrate impressive comedy timing. Everything else merges into a blur of hipsterish fatuousness. Krysten Ritter is 30. (NB. Not to be mistaken for a different Life Happens, which according to its trailer—look it up—is pro-life propaganda with all the subtlety of the Spanish Inquisition.)
Lockout is a movie about a maximum-security prison in space and is directed by the man who made Taken, a movie drenched so thickly in testosterone it increases your specific gravity every time you watch it. Lockout happens when your girlfriend goes to see Life Happens.
Fran Kranz, who has the best name in entertainment, was the best thing about Joss Whedon's TV series about a brothel, Doll House. Whedon wrote The Cabin in the Woods, a pomo tribute to The Evil Dead,  and Kranz is perfectly cast as the stoner-ish fellow who observes that splitting up when trouble starts may not be the best survival strategy in a horror movie scenario. Early on we learn that the cabin and environs are encased in some kind of electronic Fullerene cage, seemingly giving the game away. But remember, this is a Joss Whedon product, and Joss Whedon is the man who who managed to get not one but two seasons of a show about a brothel commissioned for national TV. So, probably it's a demonic Fullerene.
Touchback looks like a fusion of a 1970s TV movie of the week and an episode of The Twilight Zone. What would you do if you could go back in time and not be a high school jock who cripples himself during a crucial game? Well, now that we live in the world of Bountygate, let's hope nobody ever makes that mistake again. Kurt Russell shows up in the Dennis Quaid role as the coach with the deathless dialog. Sample: "The future is just a bunch of what you do right now strung together." Possibly not coincidentally, that is also a definition of string theory.
How would the Three Stooges react to the modern world? The Farrelly brothers appear to have reached their personal apotheosis with a work of fan fiction, at least according to this trailer.