Upfront 2003: The Programmers

So, Friends is coming back next season. So is Frasier, King of Queens, Malcolm in the Middle, Will & Grace, Gilmore Girls, Fear Factor, the revolving cast of doctors on ER and the too-good-to-be-true Camden clan on 7th Heaven. Certainly, most viewers are thrilled to spend one more season with Monica, Rachel and the rest of the gang. But are they ready to spend it in the same old places? Do we really want to see Frasier Crane continue to mope around his apartment? And isn't it time for Doug and Carrie on King of Queens to have a baby?While these shows have had a successful track record without us, some—Frasier, in particular—are a little long in the tooth. We think they need a fresh eye to figure out how to perk things up. And we're just the people to do it. We may not write for TV, but we do spend a good amount of time in front of the tube. Just a thought, but...Movin' on upThat New York apartment on Friends, the one with the impossibly large kitchen, is beginning to look awfully tired. Maybe it's time for a new setting—Monica and Chandler could move uptown to their own place, leaving Rachel and the baby to hold down the fort. The gang would make regular visits to Monica and Chandler's new digs, and Phoebe could fall head over heels with the hunky, and divorced, next-door neighbor. Antonio Banderas, are you available for a guest-starring gig?Designs on 'Frasier'We're also bored to tears with the home and work environments of Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer). But rather than changing settings, how about bringing back someone who can brighten up even the dreariest of rooms—former Designing Women co-star Jean Smart, as spicy Lana Lynley? After winning two Emmys for guesting on Frasier (and flopping in this season's In-Laws), Smart is an appropriate, and available, option.The 'King' needs a princeOver in Queens, a little tyke should come calling for Doug (Kevin James) and Carrie (Leah Remini). A few seasons back, Carrie was pregnant, Doug was ecstatic and the couple was shopping for baby clothes. Flash to the season-ender, and tough-as-nails Carrie softened after suffering a miscarriage. Although adding a baby is not always a positive (remember the god-awful Mabel on Mad About You?), it's time for the Heffernans to start changing diapers. Just the thought of Arthur (Jerry Stiller) as a grandfather is a hoot!Francis, come homeSpeaking of babies, there's a new lad in the Malcolm in the Middle household: little Jamie. While that makes five brothers in the Malcolm clan, the absence of traveling big brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) is a void. How about it, Lois? Couldn't you use an extra hand? Isn't it time your troubled, and eldest, son moved back home?'Heaven' help us7th Heaven, TV's most populated household, spent what seemed like an eternity this season focusing on the engagement, and ultimate wedding, of hyperactive middle daughter Lucy (Beverley Mitchell). But we don't love this Lucy. So, while the Camden household remains anything but empty, 7th Heaven seems a bit lonely minus older siblings Matt (Barry Watson) and Mary (Jessica Biel) in the regular mix. While the two did return briefly at the end of the season, maybe they could stick around for season eight?Grace, periodAs for Will & Grace, please—we're begging—no more of the bland Harry Connick Jr., and more of Shelley Morrison's laugh-out-loud Rosario. Did anyone really think the marriage of Grace (Debra Messing) to Connick's Leo would last? 'Girls' ruleOver at the It's A Wonderful Life-like Stars Hollow, those sassy and chatty Gilmore Girls should dump the obnoxious—and unnecessary—Michel Gerard (Yanic Truesdale), give stuck-up Grandma Emily (Kelly Bishop) and larger-than-life Miss Patty (Liz Torres) more to do, and keep building on the potential relationship between Lorelei (Lauren Graham) and Luke (Scott Patterson). Imagine how Emily would react if daughter Lorelei hooked up with a common coffee shop owner! Emergency rewriteWe know it's difficult keeping an aging show alive creatively. But how many more shoot-outs, explosions and catastrophes can ER possibly take? Given that this is the last season for Dr. Carter (Noah Wyle), how about knocking the veteran player off his good-guy pedestal and making him more real? Remember his prior drug problem? Could he have a relapse? And calling smarmy Dr. Romano (Paul McCrane): the ER could use more of your arrogance to shake up the mix.Enough with the skunk carcassesLast, and definitely least, even though we know you love it: Fear Factor, in which players are made to chow down on the most disgusting concoctions imaginable before risking their lives for a measly 50,000 bucks. We've seen the menu—a horse's rectum, reindeer testicles, skunk carcasses—and we've been grossed out enough. It's action we want, and more of it, not a menu of continued slop.

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Upfront 2003: The Programmers - Fine-Tuning

Marc Berman

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Marc Berman