The Royal Wedding is just a little more than a week away, and businesses have been taking full advantage of the occasion by unleashing a barrage of William and Kate-themed merchandise—sales of which could top $42 million in the U.K., according to analysts.
The Lord Chamberlain’s office issued guidelines for the merchandise stating that all souvenirs must be "in good taste," but in reviewing many of the goods entering the market, it looks like some manufacturers might have missed the memo.
Even if you can't live like royalty, you can still feel like you live with them. In the home decor department, you never have to be alone again as the glorious royal visages beam from every surface of your abode—for $750 you can have Kate and Wills-emblazoned sliding doors. Glide through them on the way to your kitchen, where you'll be greeted by a full-size refrigerator adorned with a huge image of the couple in a loving embrace. Use that fridge to store your Dunkin’ Donuts Royal Wedding Donut for full effect.
Taking a trip to the loo? Why force yourself to choose between Royal Wedding towels and a commemorative toilet seat when you can have both? And if you need a little reading material while you're in the WC, a comic book about the bride and groom’s courtship might be just the thing. (An example of the narrative virtuosity within: "There isn’t much information about Kate before college and university.")
Moving into the bedroom, get intimate with Crown Jewels Condoms. You’ll want to buy these, says the manufacturer’s site, because "Like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion." And if you need a little help in that department, fear not. A bottle of Viagra-laced Royal Virility Performance beer should prick you right up.
If, however, you're at all like us, the thought of hearing any more about the affair probably just makes you queasy. Fortunately for all of us, there's always Royal Wedding sick bags.