When the advertising gods cast my soul into hell as punishment for writing negative reviews, I'll probably be forced to watch a witless, artsy perfume commercial like this Dior Homme spot on an endless loop for all eternity.
Moody monochrome images of Rob Pattinson's "smoldering stares" will sear my eyes forever, while the clip's soundtrack—Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love"—scalds my ears like the screams of the damned.
Vapid visions will fill my designer-fragrance inferno. They include: Rob fully clothed in a bathtub, smoking a cigarette. Rob rocking designer shades on a rooftop, looking all intense. Rob and French model Camille Rowe making out in an elevator, crashing some society party, making out some more, tearing up the beach in a vintage BMW, diving into a pool with their clothes on.
If there's any cosmic justice, the ad's director, Romain Gavras, will suffer in the fiery pit by my side. "I loved your dad's films, but your Dior commercial sucked," I'll say to him over and over and over and over. Yeah, I plan to be a real charmer in the afterlife.
The spot's getting ludicrously positive press ("hot" seems to be the descriptor du jour, but not in a netherworldly sense), and the "uncensored director's cut" below is pushing 2 million YouTube views after just a couple of days. It's like Rob and his Hollywood hype machine put everyone under a vampire spell. Wake up, people! There's no real concept or creativity here! (And yes, I wish I looked like Rob Pattinson. And yes, his personal hell would be to wake up looking like me. That has nothing to do with how I feel about the commercial. Well, not much, anyway.)
In my ad-themed Hades, I'll writhe in agony, begging for the pseudo-sexy silliness to stop. Yet the horror of these cookie-cutter, big-budget fragrance ads—this one as pale and needy as the Twilight bloodsucker Pattinson so famously portrayed—won't let my soul rest in peace.
Client: Dior Homme
Director: Romain Gavras