Today, we pull ourselves out from under the avalanche of stupid ideas that come our way from PR flacks to bring you another edition of Dumbass Pitches. Rather than let them pile up, we share the dumbest ones with you. Today, we bring you one of the most Dumbass Pitches we’ve ever gotten. It’s for a book called HELLO, MY NAME IS PABST: Baby Names for Nonconformist, Indie, Geeky, DIY, Hipster, and Alterna-Parents of Every Kind. From the get-go, I’m pissed off. As if naming your baby after a beer isn’t trashy enough, they are talking about Pabst, one of the nastiest, most putrid cans of swill that people call beer. But, I’m getting ahead of myself..
This is a baby name book. But, not just any baby name book. It goes beyond the traditional names like Hunter, Morgan and Tucker to bring us a world of alternative and bizarre names that will make the children’s grandparents recoil in horror. The book calls itself the “ultimate guide for next-gen parents looking to find that distinctive name for their future indie rock star/ Def Jam poet/ abstract artist.” In other words, if you are a parent that worries more about picking a cool name than, you know, raising a healthy child, this book is PERFECT for you.
So, what kind of names are we talking about? Here are some of the actual chapters pulled from the pitch and our reaction:
• “Names That Fit Into Skinny Jeans (Pimm, Vette, Sloane) No matter how styles shift over the years, a name that can pull off skinny pants will always be in vogue.”
They should call this chapter “Instant Regret.” No, skinny pants won’t always be “in vogue” and if you name your kid Pimm, you should go to jail. Forever. The thing about skinny jeans and hipster hats is that they are a trend. In other words, by the time your kid is old enough to walk, he’s the punchline of a joke.
• “Names You Can Drink at the Bar (Jameson, Hennessy, Stella) This little adventure probably started out with some cans of PBR, and you remember someone ordering a round of Jameson , but then it gets a bit fuzzy, though you swear there was a condom present at some point.”
Because nothing says “I love my child” quite like hand delivering them a drinking problem before they are even born. Just ask my son, Creme de Cassis Ogburn.
You’ll want to read the end of this disastrous pitch…
• “Names That Will Grow Into a Moustache (Odin, Sinclair) If you have a moustache, you’ll probably want to pass that on to your son one day . . . because it’s ironic, you know?”
If you’re HONESTLY thinking that you want to give your son a name to ensure that that he grows facial hair to match that stupid looking Prison Pussy on your upper lip, go ahead. Frankly, I’m just stunned that you found someone to have sex with your sorry ass.
• “Names for Freaks and Geeks (Wilbur, Ferguson) Ever since Rivers Cuomo made us swoon by looking just like Buddy Holly and allowing us to unravel his sweater as he walked away, the chunky glasses and sweater vests started flying off the discount racks again and voilà, dweeb cool was here to stay.”
Are we really doing this? Do I really have to tell you why naming your kid after a “freak” or a “geek” is a stupid idea?
A Special Note From the Parenting Expert: Me
There are more chapters with dumber names, but it’s like shooting fish in a barrel at this point. I’m a father. Not a particularly great one. Hell, my kids even have names that will almost certainly get their asses kicked in school. But, the names mean something and that’s what matters. I didn’t name them after my favorite drink. I didn’t give them names that pair well with a mustache. I didn’t give them names that set a standard for what I think they should be when they grow up. If you worry about that too much, you’re already a shitty parent.