Weingarten: Drugged, Not Dead

Internal memo from WaPo funnyman Gene Weingarten:

Gene Weingarten has authorized ALL NEWS distribution of the following statement:

If you are receiving this message, I am resting comfortably at George Washington University Hospital after double knee replacement surgery. If you have not received this message, I died during surgery, and the message you received instead was maudlin and — as these things tend to be — filled with embarrassing exaggerations of my accomplishments, as well as outright lies about the strength of my character, my importance to the newspaper, and the inspiration I have been to others.

If that happened, apologize.

By “resting comfortably” I mean “under the influence of narcotics administered in doses large enough to sedate a mature horse.” This condition will last through tomorrow morning, at which point I plan to begin a strict regimen of self-pity, accompanied by cantankerousness. This will last four days. Visits during this period are discouraged. This is because my behavior will resemble that of an enraged ape. If I have it at hand, I will fling feces.

Thank you.