Not one of the roughly 1,000 witty responses in my head compares to these choice excerpts:
“The idea of raccoons on the White House grounds give us great pause,” spokesman Bill Burton said.
Tim McDowell, a raccoon-trapper with 15 years of experience in the Washington area, says the National Park Service is probably using the wrong cages or the wrong bait.
“See, their cages probably don’t smell right,” McDowell explained. “They probably don’t have the smell of other raccoons on ’em.”
McDowell has already removed birds that were flying inside the U.S. Capitol, but he says that he’s always dreamed of catching a raccoon on the White House grounds.
Normally, McDowell charges $195 for the setup fee plus $50 for each raccoon caught. But if asked, he said he would trap the raccoons for free. “I won’t charge ’em nothing,” he said.