Tucker: The Encore

Some closing tidbits (and check out Rachel Sklar’s hilarious recap, “When You Disrespect The Dance, Tucker Carlson, The Dance Will Disrespect You”).

Wednesday on Tucker, Tucker Carlson and Jerry Springer dished about their “Dancing With The Stars” experience. Some of the most precious moments:

    SPRINGER: We’ve set a new standard.

    CARLSON: A new low. Thank you.

    SPRINGER: We must make every contestant feel great.

    CARLSON: So what did you think?

    SPRINGER: Actually, it was more enjoyable than I thought. And I went last. So I had to sit back there and see how great everyone was doing. I said, this is–you know, but they had metal detectors, so I was assured that no one would hurt me.

    CARLSON: I actually felt better watching Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez, because they were on a different show than we were.

    SPRINGER: Oh, Yes. I mean, I there were two divisions here. Let’s say there were three divisions.

    CARLSON: I didn’t feel like we were competing with them

    SPRINGER: No. No. No, I didn’t think either. But, the crowd—you know, the crowd was — it’s a fun—this really is a television show that, who can complain about it?

Full transcript when you click below.

And yesterday, Tucker gave in-depth coverage of his short-lived venture into competitive dancing on his afternoon broadcast.

Invoking the words of President Richard Nixon, Tucker said that he “has never been a quitter…but I will bow to the will of the American people.”

He chalked up the harsh criticism from judge Bruno Tanioli to the judge’s secret love for him. Tucker also replayed some of the judge’s old performances, namely as a background dancer for the video of Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing.” Tucker was quick to point out what he regarded as the judge’s “grape smuggler” outfit.

Tucker went on to express his disbelief at his defeat, saying “call me an egomaniac, but I really didn’t see it coming,” adding “I am a man deep in denial.”

Apparently Tucker was a bigger hit off screen than on. According to correspondent Willie Geist, some producers of Dancing with the Stars were near tears that Tucker was leaving. That sentiment is no doubt shared by those of us who proudly called ourselves members of Team Tucker.

    SPRINGER: I can’t. My knees hurt. You know. I’m begging with people, don’t — do not vote for me. No, it — who knows? Who knows? I mean, obviously I won’t make it on the dancing, so the question is, is it entertaining? You know, that’s the thing with all of us, you know.

    CARLSON: Well, in your case, it’s totally entertaining. But this also means you’re going to have to learn—and I suppose I will, too, if I remain on—new dances every week. Are you ready for that?

    SPRINGER: What? Can’t I…

    CARLSON: That’s what they told me.

    SPRINGER: No, because they said — I thought they said, you’re going to improve. Well, let me improve on this dance. How can I improve on the cha-cha if next week I’ve got to do another dance?

    CARLSON: You just want to keep honing it?

    SPRINGER: I’m going to hone it. I figure, eight weeks, cha-cha, I’ve got it down.

    CARLSON: You’re going to be positively Cuban by the end.

    SPRINGER: Yes. They are going to say Mario who?

Yes, naked chicks are good selling points:

    CARLSON: Well, this is also an opportunity to pander to America. What would your pitch be to people who are voting or thinking about voting? What would you—would you say?

    SPRINGER: OK. I want to remember my partner Kim. She looked pretty good, right? You should see the outfit she wears next week. I don’t know. You want to see what she is wearing next week, you will vote for me.

    CARLSON: That is go good. That’s the basest possible pitch.

    SPRINGER: Well…

    CARLSON: You go right to the half-naked chick.

Come on — keep Jerry off the streets:

    SPRINGER: You are talking to me. Come on. Vote for Jerry — keep him off the airways.

    CARLSON: The show is keeping you off the streets.

    SPRINGER: If you want — if you want to keep America clean, you’ll keep voting me on so I can’t do my other show.

What?! There is Team Tucker merchandise? We must have… Willie Giest tells us more:

    GEIST: Tucker, one other moment that I had a hand in last night in the competition, when you were being scored, if you look at the judges.

    CARLSON: Yes.

    GEIST: Your friend, Bruno, on the right, see the pin on his lapel, the white circle with the arrow. That is a Team Tucker official piece of merchandise. It’s a pin made by your friend, a full line of clothing. I handed it to Bruno in the commercial break and I said, Bruno, you know you love Tucker. You want to be on Team Tucker. And he said, yes of course. So I threw it to him. He put it on his lapel, and as he gave you a three, incidentally.

And finally, Rita Cosby offers some Tucker ass analysis. No, seriously.

    GEIST: Tucker, Rita Cosby was talking about you today. There’s been a lot of criticism of you — critiquing rather. She talked to a dance instructor.

    CARLSON: There’s a fine line between criticism and critiquing.

    GIESE: Yes, there is. She was critiquing, I should say, with some dance instructor, whatever that means, on MSNBC. Let’s take a listen and hear what they thought of your performance.


    UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What is that action there? That’s an…

    COSBY: That’s called a flat butt.

    UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Flat butt. He obviously has some type of a complex with his hips. But actually he’s thinking of moving his hips too much, Rita. That’s what his problem is.

    COSBY: Now, let’s take a look, though. But look at the arm motion right here. He’s got a pretty good, it looks like a pretty good 180, right?

    UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Do you think his shoulders could be any higher? Does he have a neck? He’s starting to look like Donald Trump here. I don’t know what it is. He’s, from the back he could be, I don’t know. He’s wearing shoulder pads.