TEAM TUCKER: Dead Last

“You had a bad day…”

Aw…poor Tucker. There’s a tear in Team Tucker today, as Carlson and Grinenko placed dead last in their “Dancing with the Stars” debut last night.

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After much anticipation, Tucker Carlson made his debut on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. Before the performance began, there was the obligatory training montage (“Rocky” fever is catching on). Tucker expressed his “total confidence” and his belief that he was a cha cha master. Elena was a little less optimistic, saying that she’d be doing well just to get him to the next show. When asked what he wanted out of this show, Tucker determinedly said “Victory.”

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The actual performance went as well as could be expected. Tucker sat in a chair for most of the tune (a rendition of Martha and the Vandellas’ “Dancing in the Street”) while Elena did all the dancing. When Tucker finally got to his feet, it was apparent that he was really putting his heart into it. He wore simple attire — khakis and a button-down white shirt (with the top button seductively unbuttoned, mind you). But it’s not like anyone was paying attention to him with Elena gyrating around him. The audience recognized the effort with enthusiastic applause. The judges, however, were slightly underwhelmed.

One judge awarded the pair a 5, one a 4, and the angry British one (a must-have on reality shows, apparently) awarded them a 3; but not before delivering encouragement like “What an awful mess” and “that was dreadful.”

With a score of 12, Team Tucker found itself in last place at the end of the night, barely trailing shock television king Jerry Springer (maybe we shouldn’t be surprised. Vegas had Tucker’s odds at 21-1). Team Tucker is going to need some help from viewers if he wants to stick around for another show. We’ll find out tonight if they got it.

For Tucker fans, details on how to vote are here and his voting line is 800-VOTE4-03 (800-868-3403).

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One reader writes in:

    acrtually watched tucker tonight. fantastic! he moves like a manatee (in or out of water). brilliant to have him sit for half the dance. i hadnt imagined that he’d be last. he is, as you know, a very nice guy, but good lord, he dances worse than william hung. still, i cant believe i watched him instead of the super-hot ababe with him. she did make him look worse. nice to see, tghough, that he firmed up before his tv debut, dropping down to a svelt 212.