Starbucks and USA Today to Finally Eradicate Racism

Our nation has been longing for this day.

Starbucks — the USA Today of coffee — and USA Today — the Starbucks of newspapers — are joining forces to finally end racism in America. Thanks to their unique partnership, our youth will be allowed to age in a nation without prejudice or bigotry.

It turns out that ending racism will be quite easy. Starbucks employees will pen the slogan “Race Together” on cups and discuss racially-charged issues with customers who will definitely enjoy that. USA Today will then publish a special supplement featuring the “Race Together” tagline. The section will be co-authored by USA Today and Starbucks.

In the first edition of the section, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz and USA Today publisher Larry Kramer write, “Racial diversity is the story of America, our triumphs as well as our faults. Yet racial inequality is not a topic we readily discuss. It’s time to start.”

Goddamn us all. If only our stubborn nation had known that racism — which leads to everything from minorities not getting jobs to black men and women getting killed — could be eradicated through awkward conversations with strangers backed by an advertising deal.

Goddamn us all. But bless you, Starbucks and USA Today. Bless you.

(Image: Starbucks)