Okay, so you didn't pay $12.95 to get Howard Stern on Sirius. Now what?

Well, today only, we’ll share with you the highlights, courtesy of that bastion of the ribald, USA Today.

– From 6-10 a.m., roughly 172 obscenities.

– A faux announcment by Stern that he’d married longtime girlfriend Beth Ostrosky.

– Star Trek-er George Takei, on his first homosexual experience.

– A failed attempt to contact David Lee Roth, his replacement on CBS Radio, to offer advice.

– A sketch with David Letterman impersonator “Evil Dave” who is “anally violated by a female porn star.”

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