Okay, so you didn’t pay $12.95 to get Howard Stern on Sirius. Now what?

Well, today only, we’ll share with you the highlights, courtesy of that bastion of the ribald, USA Today. story.sirius.jpg
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– From 6-10 a.m., roughly 172 obscenities.

– A faux announcment by Stern that he’d married longtime girlfriend Beth Ostrosky.

– Star Trek-er George Takei, on his first homosexual experience.

– A failed attempt to contact David Lee Roth, his replacement on CBS Radio, to offer advice.

– A sketch with David Letterman impersonator “Evil Dave” who is “anally violated by a female porn star.” (USA Today’s words, not ours. We’d have loved to be a fly on the wall of the paper’s Virginia copy room, as editors wrung their hands. “Can we say ‘anally violated?!”)

– Some self-congratulatory pablum about a last minute grab of Sirius satellite receivers over the weekend and the ensuing 9 hour delay in activating subscriptions for the public. lg-137928.jpg

– A snoozy 90-minute-plus press conference.

– Howard likey “Dancing with the Stars.”

– A spirited point/counterpoint on genital shaving.

Is any of this worth 43 cents a day? We’ll let you decide; we just noticed our genitalia require barbering.