The New York Post is on top of its game today. In an “exclusive,” the Post reported that “Mayor Bill de Blasio has groundhog blood on his hands!” You might recall that earlier this year, de Blasio dropped Charlotte — a groundhog from the Staten Island Zoo — during that annual Groundhog Day ritual that surely makes people wonder what the f*ck is wrong with Americans.
Sadly for Charlotte, she died a week later. While the zoo said the animal died of natural causes, the Post’s “sources” revealed the dirty, scandalous truth: That Charlotte died from “acute internal injuries” that were “consistent with a fall.”
The mayor’s office — of course — acted like they didn’t know de Blasio was a groundhog killer. “We were unaware that Staten Island Chuck [The zoo wanted everyone to think Charlotte was Chuck, for some reason. That’s another story for another day.] had passed but are sorry to hear of the loss,” a spokesperson told the Post. Sure they’re sorry. Sure they are.
Somewhere, de Blasio is smiling and whispering “Excellent…” to himself.