Highlights from last night’s Colbert Report:
Colbert: And I’ll go ball to ball with Hardball’s Chris Matthews. We’ll go toe to toe and see who can cover the other in spiddle.
Colbert: Tonight my guest is Hardball’s Chris Matthews. We’ll compare ball-hardening techniques.
Colbert: You’re the Brian Dennehy of political pundits…
Matthews: I love Brian Dennehy.
Colbert: You’ve got the cut of a jib, you’re big, you’re aggresive and you could be an alien.
Matthews: An Irish alien!
Colbert: I watch your show every night before mine, before this show…I watch as I’m shaving my body. I gauge how hard the ball is tonight, so I can know how hard to make mine, cuz I like to
give just slightly harder ball every night. I dip mine in nitrogen.
Matthews: I won’t be able to concentrate if I’m thinking about you shaving your chest.
Colbert: Fight it!
Colbert: What is Hardball?
Matthews: Trying to get a little more truth out of politicians.
Colbert: Is it hard?
Matthew: It is hard. You gotta keep squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until you get something….Not the balls! The brain!
Matthews (clearly referencing our poll yesterday): I think I’m winning this interview right now. I think I’m beating Stephen Colbert. I think if we were to take a poll right now, you would be losing in numbers.
Colbert: Will you come back and talk about the midterms?
Matthews: Sure. I think that Democrats will pick up the House if it keeps going this way. Not that that’s good for America…I don’t want to take sides.
Colbert: I think you just did.
Colbert: You’re a tough guy to pin down. …I think a host should have all their opinions on the table. The audience should now where they stand at all times.
Colbert: Don’t you think?
Matthews: Well, except in my case.
Colbert: I think nuance just confuses them.
Matthews: I think I’ve got the world confused. …
Colbert: Why can’t you declare your allegiances, like everyone else seems to?
Matthews: Because I don’t want to.
Colbert: And what gives you the right not to play your hand for America?
Matthews: Make me.
Matthews: Make me.
Colbert: Alright, let’s go.