Lara Logan: Human Vuvuzela

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CBS News Chief Foreign Correspondent Lara Logan has been getting absolutely destroyed in the press for her critiques of Rolling Stone reporter Michael Hastings during an interview with CNN. Hastings, of course, wrote a piece which included damning quotes from Stanley McChrystal about the president, which eventually cost the General his job. Logan said in her interview that “there is an element of trust” between reporters and the military, which necessitates not quoting them saying idiotic stuff that has huge policy implications, even when they’re on the record. She went on to say “Michael Hastings has never served his country the way McChrystal has.”

Low blow.

As you would expect, Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi tore her a new one the other day. But one of the better critiques actually came from Comedy Central blogger Sara Benincasa. That’s right, Comedy Central has a newsy blog — who knew?

Apparently, Lara Logan learned in advanced elementary J-school that journalists are only supposed to report stuff that people in power will think is awesome. This is how you make friends and also become a famous person on television news.

And she is correct, of course, because the only way to ethically participate in the American military as a journalist is to make super-besties with the military and, obviously, the civilians who work for the military. And then to have their children, out of your womb. That is how God intended love and journalism to work. Duhhhhhhhhhh.

What does Lara Logan’s personal life have to do with her opinion on Michael Hastings? Probably nothing, except that she’s spent the better part of the past few years ethically and journalistically fucking a dude who works for the very military she claims to be able to cover in a balanced fashion. This raises the question: Why did Michael Hastings not fuck General Stanley McChrystal? Let’s hope that Lara Logan gets to the bottom of this, preferably in another very special 60 Minutes piece in which she blithely pimps military propaganda and has shiny hair. Then Andy Rooney can masturbate, live, on-camera. Imagine those eyebrows furrowed in lustful concentration. Now try to eat lunch. You’re welcome.