Last Friday, we began work on our customary Jon Stewart blog-o-rama, combining last Wednesday and Thursday’s shows into one convenient, easy-to-read post (Bob Costas and Maggie Gyllenhal are no Woodward and Bernstein, after all). There we were, typing happily along, giving thanks for DVR, when that damn “GlobeHopping With Expedia!” feature came on and we found that we physically could not continue. Yes, Finland is funny and Helsinki is surely the kind of word that makes us giggle. But that doesn’t make the feature not a commercial, especially with three “GlobeHopping with Expedia!” taglines said by two different announcers followed by one actual commercial for Expedia. Hotwire, reap the benefits of my love.
But since tonight is – gasp! – a repeat, I figured I’d give you a little lovin’. Oh Jon, I can’t stay mad at you for long. Especially if you put on a sailor suit, too. Last week’s news after the jump.
Don Rumsfeld surprises the troops in Iraq. Fun! Iraq has about two weeks to draft a constitution, “something they have no experience doing”. Hilarious. Can’t they, like, crib from Saudi Arabia or something? Hee hee, just kidding.
On to a “slightly less bombed-out region: The Hamptons.” Yikes, this one skates reeeeaaally close to the line re: the Shinnecock Indian land claims on Southampton. The flute music? “The encroaching red man?” And this: “What more do you people want? You already have a one-fifth stake in the Village People!” Hilarious YMCA riff but still. They teased this a few eps ago with Rob Corddry trying to interview someone and saying that the camera wouldn’t steal their soul. Did that get cut for PC purposes or comedy exigencies? Yeah, we watch this show too closely. We almost lost our Diet Coke over this one though: “So the Shinnecock’s had the land, they gave it away and now they want it back. What’s the word for that?” Oy.
New awesome feature: “This Week in God” and the God Machine 2.0. First stop: Hinduism, and the not-so-new-news of McDonald’s fries being cooked in beef fat. How can something so wrong taste so right. Hi, I’m the cheapest dinner date ever. Awesome line: “Dharma creates. Vishnu sustains. The McGriddle satisfies.”But let’s cut to the important stuff: who doesn’t love mocking Scientology? Our Thetans make us do it. Per Colbert: “If only they’d throw in a burning bush or a Virgin Birth… something that made sense!” Hee. Good one. Then he drops a few Scientologist boldface names. Isaac Hayes? Beck? Yowsers. Keri Russell, don’t let Felicity go the way of Joey Potter. Do it for Noel. Also: Papal pilgrims like to party.
Guest: Maggie Gyllenhaal. Loves Jon which is fine, but the suck-upitude is a little much. Interviewees, it’s cool that you respect Jon but let’s keep it snappy, huh? Jon also lays it on a little thick with the whole “you’re too talented to breathe” thing. She is good but I was hoping for a little anarchy talk from her. Instead she talks about “Happy Endings” and method-falling in love with Tom Arnold (who looked very Michael-Douglas-in-“Falling Down” in EW last week. Anyone?). I would have rather seen her get all strident and talk about Karl Rove. Mabye it’s me.
Moment of Zen: Fries.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Jon opens with “the greatest threat to the world today: nuclear weapons” Of course, guys marrying other guys is second, don’t get me wrong. Ha. Another reason to love Canada! Pot and gay marriage. Celine Dion is just a bonus.
North Korea will think about dismantling their nuclear capability if the USA promises not to attack them, “which is a little strange because for us to attack them we’d have to have slam-dunk proof that they have weapons of mass destruction.”
We’re in the midst of a “global war on terror;” just ask the Bush administration. Saith Jon: “it’s a catchy phrase, it has a good beat and you can detain people to it.” But a general feeling that said “war” is unwinnable has led to a new moniker: “the global struggle against extremism.” Rumsfeld can’t keep it straight. Nice catch. It’s a bit of a weird move, no?
Well hello, sailor! Stephen Colbert is all decked out in celebration of an end to war, at least in phrase form. Why doesn’t Jon ever get dressed up in a sailor suit?
Hilarious bit about radio payola. Seriously, I used to listen to PLJ all the time (yes, go ahead, revoke the hipster cred I never had). The point is, it was ridiculous how often certain songs were played. Best zinger: Jon reads an email from a rep to a DJ in Hartford, Connecticut, saying “What do I have to do to get Audioslave on WKSS this weekend? Whatever you can dream up, I can make it happen!” Jon: “Anything I can dream up, huh? How about me not having to be a disc jockey at WKSS Harford, Connecticut?”
Bob Costas of HBO’s Costas Now, and erstwhile Larry King sub. Clip of him interviewing baseball player Ichiro Suzuki whose English is wanting, except for a certain profane phrase. Blah blah blah sports. Barry Bonds has a beautiful smile. Cycling is boring. So is this interview. Not that I didn’t like Bob’s Olympic coverage last year. God, was that already a year ago? See, if they were talking about Rove or something I would not be free-associating right now. Oh, Paul Hamm. What have you been up to?
Great moments in punditry: the kid playing Dan Abrams has great hair.