A Cry for Help or the Right Move: Matthew Boyle’s ‘Magic Vagina’ Ride Into Breitbartlandia

Despite the whimsical headline, this morning we have a grave situation on our hands. It seems The Daily Caller‘s Matthew Boyle, who has split for Breitbart.com, has been kidnapped taken in by the cult members good folks over in Breitbartlandia. Though the move has been mounting on and off for the past two years, the outcome isn’t pretty: Boyle, 25, says goodbye to his old colleagues and hello to his new ones in a farewell email and debut piece that has us wondering if it’s all just a big cry for help.

And we’re here to help you, Matthew.

Reading between the lines, we will interpret what Boyle is really trying to say. By the way, if there are any cult deprogrammers out there, please make yourselves known. Also, we’re looking for an experienced bounty hunter to bring us Boyle in one piece so we can stage an intervention. This may get worse before it gets better.

See the letter, the clearly unedited story and our translation…

Subject: Leaving The Daily Caller, moving on to Breitbart News Network 
I want to thank all of you for everything you’ve helped me with over the past two and a half years. I’m leaving The Daily Caller and moving on to be an investigative journalist at Breitbart News Network.

I’ll be doing regular investigations, as per usual, and common every day stories just like I did before. Please update your contact information for me to include the following:

Email: (when I get a Breitbart.com email address, I’ll send that out to everyone)

Please, by all means, feel free to pitch me stories any time via email and/or phone and/or text message. I’m also including my opening salvo piece for Breitbart News Network below for your reading pleasure. I’m more than available to talk about it on any of your shows or programs, too, if anyone would like (for those on this list to whom that applies). Same goes for any pieces I write – feel free to reach out any time. (FBDC Translation: Please help me! They’re taking over my soul and encouraging me to take to the airwaves with anti-left-wing media chants they’re teaching us in morning meditation.)

I look forward to this new experience in my life and career. I really want to thank everyone at The Daily Caller for everything they’ve done for me in the past. And I want to thank the leadership at Breitbart News Network for the opportunities on the road ahead. (FBDC Translation: The “leadership?” Boyle, editors aren’t called “leaders” (i.e. the al Qaeda of media conglomerates) but we realize they do have a lot of ideas for you, a fresh young soldier in their midst, none of which are good ones. Please, we must save him before it’s too late.)

Why I’m Enlisting In Andrew Breitbart’s War


I’m enlisting to fight in Andrew Breitbart’s war.

The political class in Washington has degraded America. Republicans and Democrats blame each other, and nothing gets done. The media exacerbates the problem, fans the flames and encourages false notions of “civility” and “objectivity” while pushing “bipartisanship” that doesn’t actually solve problems.

While this charade perpetuates indefinitely, America grows weaker. She’s digging herself deeper into debt and isn’t even searching for solutions to her problems. Entitlements and government overspending gets worse every day while laws go unenforced and Americans are murdered in terrorist attacks. Nobody in Washington seems to care. (FBDC Translation: Sadly, Boyle is actually saying he thinks no one cares about him. Oh, but we do care, Boyle, and we don’t want to see your career going down the drain with a flaming piece of propaganda like this story.)

The institutional left thrives in this declining environment. Record numbers of people are on the government dole instead of being excited to work and succeed. So-called “social justice” is implemented in place of real justice. Kids across the country are fed “Occupy” propaganda in school after their teachers take away their home-made lunches in place of “cafeteria nuggets.”

Many political consultants and career politicians on both the left and the right think this is a game. It’s not.

The journalists at Breitbart News know that. And they show it day in and day out. That’s why I’m joining them. (FBDC Translation: “journalists” might be laying it on real thick here, Boyle. Journalists break news. You have broken news. The “soldiers” in Breitlandia have opinions and strong ones at that.)

For the past few years, I’ve worked as a reporter at The Daily Caller. It’s been the best time of my life. I learned a lot. I broke several stories. But in my time there, I’ve seen some really bad things happening to our country. (FBDC Translation: This is important, Boyle. You admit it yourself. This has been “the best time of your life.” Repeat this phrase in the mirror and try to remember it when reality starts to sink in. Yes, bad things happen and we appreciate you referring to America in “she” form. But repeat after us: This has been “the best time of your life.”)

Political consultants and politicians of both Democratic and Republican stripes profit off the status quo. So does the mainstream media. For instance, while it would have served everyone but Sen. Claire McCaskill (and her wealthy husband who cuts business deals on the Senate dining room floor) well for Congressman Todd Akin to step out of his race for U.S. Senate in Missouri after the “legitimate rape” magic vagina episode he created for himself, Akin stayed in – at the urging of the political consultants running his campaign. Those political consultants who convinced Akin to abandon logic to try to fight McCaskill cashed in on Akin. Win or lose, they walked away pockets loaded. They didn’t care about the country. Meanwhile, the mainstream media’s outright refusal to thoroughly investigate Sen. McCaskill and her husband’s business dealings means they’ll get handed freebie stories from McCaskill’s office over the next six years. (FBDC Translation: Boyle, tell us the truth, are they feeding you ecstasy? While the phrase “magic vagina episode” jumps out at us like a bunch of flying eggs, best to use this phrase sparingly as you move along in your career. Also, Fishbowl Peter has a question: “Most importantly, has Boyle ever touched a magic vagina?”)

The Akin disaster is but one of many examples – albeit a much bolder one than average – of the political consulting class endangering the welfare of the American people as part of an effort to line its pockets and keep itself in power.

Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign operated similarly – consultant-driven, populous-ignored. Romney should have waltzed into the White House as the next president of the United States. Instead, he strolled into the presidential residence last week to have lunch with the man he should have beaten.

President Obama was running for re-election in a broken economy and had an onslaught of scandals ripping his administration apart from every angle. He’s poured billions of taxpayer dollars down the failed Solyndra green energy drain and armed the murderous Mexican drug cartels with Operation Fast and Furious weapons. His administration has misled the American people about the terrorist attack in Benghazi, created a scapegoat out of a filmmaker whose YouTube video had nothing to do with the al Qaeda assault that claimed four Americans’ lives. The Department of Justice put the man in jail, making him Obama’s political prisoner.

To top it all off, Obama is an ideological extremist liberal who’s demonstrated he’s incapable of compromise. That’s not even to mention the fact the president’s radical past has never been fully examined for the American people.

Romney’s consultants let the mainstream media and Team Obama use Chicago tactics to denigrate their candidate’s success as a businessman. Chicago pushed the silly notion that success in America was evil and unfair, and Boston didn’t fight back.

The Romney campaign chose to trust The New York Times, Politico, NBC News and other leftwing outlets – even though nobody put a gun to their head and forced them to talk to the liberal media. (FishbowlDC Translation: This is pure cult indoctrination, Boyle. It is highly fashionable and easy in Breitlandia to dismiss these outlets as “left-wing” and declare them useless or corrupt. The Romney campaign did not “trust” these outlets, but in an effort to not be Fox News, spoke to them and many others, including the noted liberal media outlet HuffPost. There are good and bad “journalists” everywhere, including Breitbart.com.)

Political consultants are in it for the money – not necessarily to win. No matter what they tell you from their luxurious Washington, D.C., offices, they’re out of touch with what the American people really want. And they’re desperate to keep the truth from coming out about themselves because if it does, there will no longer be any need for their services.

Ironically, the reason why Obama was elected in the first place is because he campaigned against this political consulting class. Those who voted for him in 2008, myself included (yes I’ll admit it right here and right now), believed he’d really bring hope and change to Washington. He’s done anything but change Washington or bring to hope to America. Since he got into the White House, it’s only gotten worse (it’s partially his fault and partially Republicans’ fault). (FishbowlDC Translation: Rule #1 in journalism, Boyle: unless you are an established columnist, you never, ever admit who you voted for in any election. This is your private business. And privacy, while rare these days, is your friend.)

The people behind liberal nonprofits – the same people who coordinated “movements” like Occupy and the anti-war protests during the Bush administration – benefit from and in many cases promulgate this chaos.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with Andrew right around the time the Occupy movement started. I had at first, like many others, wrongly brushed it off as nothing more than a moronic bunch of college kids crapping on police cars. Then, I saw it for it was. So even though it was late I called Andrew that night and told him I had figured out Occupy was just another front that the institutional left was using to push its agenda.

“I know, Matthew,” Andrew simply responded. (FBDC Translation: Andrew actually cared about you, Boyle. We know you miss him. But he wouldn’t have wanted to see you like this, all ranting, glassy-eyed and veering away from reported facts.)

There are some true believers – people who won’t stand for corruption and won’t let Washington politicians from either party get away with gimmicky fake solutions – out there. I’d like to think I’m one of them. Andrew Breitbart, the conservative firebrand who founded this outlet, was another.

That what makes Andrew’s websites different – and better. Breitbart News is a place where we can expose corruption in both political parties, the dirty tactics of the institutional left and the mainstream media’s leftwing pandering. To Andrew, it was war. And he made sure everybody knew that.

War means that everything is on the line. The nation’s future rests in the hands of warriors fighting this political war. It’s a tall order.

It’s not a traditional war that we’re fighting. There are no swords and no bullets. This is a war of ideas.

We’ll fight the war on the battlefield of new media. Sunshine disinfects. Light needs to be shined into each crevice and around each corner in Washington. 

The mainstream media is supposed to shine that sunlight into those holes and under those rocks. But, by and large, the media has failed. So many times over the past several years, I’ve heard stories about how once-respected journalistic institutions – newspapers, wire services, television networks, even websites – refused to run articles because the reporters or editors were friends with the politicians they were going to write about. The establishment media has become a part of the establishment class. That means it’s against their best interests to do the right thing and expose the corruption that plagues Washington – if they did, they’d be fighting against themselves. (FBDC Translation: Matthew, please step away from the computer and put the metaphor down. You’re sounding like a cleaning service on drugs. Cult deprogrammers please take note. We’re getting into the weeds here of all that’s going to be needed to brainwashing Boyle back to his true self. You have a tough job ahead of you.)

At Breitbart News, I plan to investigate these people. Together with Breitbart News, I’m going to expose corruption in Washington.

It’s going to be a long fight. It’ll probably take the rest of our lives – if not longer (and I’m young – I’m only 25. That’s a long, long time for me, hopefully).

I’m going to put it all on the line because we need to stop these people. And the way to do it is to expose them for what they really are – and catch them in the act. That’s why I’m enlisting in Andrew Breitbart’s army. I’m joining Breitbart News, effective immediately. I’m shipping out today. It’s time to go to war. Will you join us?

(FBDC Translation: Boyle, journalism isn’t like enlisting in the military. There are no metaphorical bullets. It’s a job. And you’re not supposed to die for it. The purpose is to report facts and write them coherently, not to rant senselessly. Ask yourself, WWABD or What would Andrew Breitbart do? He’d tell you to go back to an outlet like The Daily Caller where you belong, and sharpen your reporting skills. At least we hope that’s what he’d say.)