You can’t swing a dead honey badger these days without hitting a hipster drinking one of thousands of obscure small batch IPAs. So what’s a brewer to do to get attention for a new launch? In the case of Stone Brewing Co., the PR team put out a press release insulting the “sheeple” who drink “fizzy yellow nonsense,” basically daring you to try their new brew.
Stone doesn’t think you have the stones to try their new Double Bastard Ale (Availability: Limited draft, 22oz and 3L bottles, ABV: 10.5% IBUs: CLASSIFIED). If you think you might be one of the “Worthy craft beer cognoscenti,” belly up to the bar and bring a dictionary. You’re going to need it to read this press release (available here, or full text after the jump).
Stone releases 2011 Double Bastard Ale
Escondido, CA | October 17 — Best to disregard this press release. It’s unlikely that you possess the sophistication to fathom the overwhelming gravitas of the potation it discusses. Thus, stop reading now. Hit delete and retire outside with your fizzy yellow beer. But if, by some infinitesimally minute chance, you are one of the Worthy craft beer cognoscenti and you’ve somehow surmised that you’re prepared for today’s release of Double Bastard Ale, then do proceed. With caution.
“This is one lacerative muther of an ale,” the braggadocious bottle warns. “It is unequivocally certain that your feeble palate is grossly inadequate and thus undeserving of this liquid glory… and those around you would have little desire to listen to your resultant whimpering.”
In a world full of glittery pageants and overproduced Hallmark holidays, it has become difficult to isolate what is worth celebrating, while eschewing the insipid propaganda that is spoon-fed to the masses. But rest assured, Double Bastard Ale’s annual unleashing is no such hornswaggle. Nay, it is a moment of gustatory excellence to be met with fervorous revelry and tintinnabulation.
Double Bastard Ale first graced our little blue oblate spheroid in 1998, sanctifying the one-year anniversary of Arrogant Bastard Ale. Nothing less than creating an embiggened version of the already elephantine Arrogant Bastard Ale would befit such an epochal occasion.
Double Bastard Ale is strictly for those with an unfettered predilection for bold unapologetic flavor, and it is for this enlightened minority that this annual tradition carries on today. However, for those who may have been at all frightened by this obstreperous and bombastic admonition, then please, close the dictionary you took out and hit delete now. Forget all you’ve read here of the Double Bastard Ale, and acquiesce into an insufferable purgatory of fizzy yellow nonsense. Remain one of the blissfully nescient, one of the mindless, barefoot sheeple, aimlessly wallowing in a cromulent cesspool of mediocrity. Sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeep…