Bored with hanging around in their Bel Air condos and Aspen timeshares, striking TV and movie writers have turned to penning children’s books to help pass the time. Here’s a sample of some of the lesser-known titles:
• The Little Engine That Couldn’t, by the writers of 24. “I think I can, I think I can,” the little engine said. Jack Bauer’s hand tensed on the detonator. “I think you can’t,” he hissed, as he set off the bomb and blew up the train. Was Jack blown to bits? What about President Obama? To be continued …
• Where the Wild Things Aren’t, by the writers of Lost. The snarling from the jungle grew louder. “I bet it’s monsters! They’ll eat us up for dinner.” Evangeline was right. Luckily, it was all a flash-forward, and it won’t happen until 2012. What? It makes perfect sense. Maybe you’re not paying attention.
• Make Way for F*cklings, by the writers of South Park. “@%#$!!,” said Cartman, puking on the baby ducks as they crossed the road. “@%#$!! @%#$!!!!!” Nobody killed Kenny. That hasn’t been funny in years.
• Barnyard Massacre VII, by the writers of Saw IV. “Old Bessie’s been sick,” said Farmer Brown, who began hacking off the cow’s legs with a chainsaw. From their hiding place in the haystack, horny teens Tony and Tina watched, unaware of Farmer Brown’s wife approaching from behind, a wild look in her eyes and a pitchfork raised above her head.
• Run (for Office) With Dick & Jane, by the writers of The Colbert Report. See Dick run. Run, Dick, run! Run in the Super Tuesday primaries. See Jane stump for Dick. Stump, Jane, stump. See Dick run negative ads: “Romney freed a terrorist every day he was in office.” Lie, Dick, lie! See Dick finish behind Ron Paul. Cry, Dick, cry.
—Posted by David Gianatasio