Some advice for Ken upon his coming makeover

Ken_barbiepr_newswirenewscomPity sad, divorced Ken. After more than a year spent eating cold pizza and staring at the beige walls of his transitional singles housing unit, he’s desperate to be back in Barbie’s arms, dream house and pink Corvette. So, he’s getting a makeover. (Yes, we’ve always felt he was a bit of a user—with the exception of a brief stint as a soldier in the 60’s and a short-lived medical career in the ’90s, Ken seems to have spent most of his time skiing, surfing and playing tennis.) Still, you have to feel badly for a guy that spent 43 years bending to his plasticine princess’ every whim; in the ’70s it was a neckerchief, in the ’80s an earring. Now, Mattel is hinting that this makeover is just the thing to charm the impossibly-proportioned dream girl. Personal stylists offered some suggestions on, including a better tan and more defined physique. (Although, AdFreak has a feeling the one part of his physique which could bring Barbie back is probably not on Mattel’s list of edits.) For those not in the loop, Barbie threw Ken over for surfer stud Blaine when Ken took a turn toward the metrosexual early this century. In fact, based on Ken’s most recent look—premium conditioned hair, mesh tanktop—we were sure the pair had finally ended it for reasons of, shall we say, sexual compatibility. And while Marian Salzman et. al. have jilted the metrosexual for a studlier über-man, we caution Ken before he develops expensive fetishes for Portuguese reds and Mitchell Gold furniture. Is it really worth it? At the rate marketers are churning through paradigms, it won’t be long before the male ideal is downgraded to undersexual. So why not wait it out in your cargo shorts and unbranded t-shirt? You’ll save some cash and be ahead of the curve when Kevin Federline-inspired five o’clock shadows and beer breath come into fashion.

—Posted by Deanna Zammit

Credit: PR Newswire/Newscom