‘Snakes’ sequels doomed. Thank goodness.

So, Snakes on a Plane sucks. Big surprise. I guess I won’t bother submitting my treatments for sequels such as: • Rakes on a Plane. People step on them in the aisle and get hit in the face! (Terror and hilarity ensue.) • Makes on a Plane. A cabin full of fussy toddlers leads to horror in the skies! • Jakes on a Plane: Chinatown III … airborne! • Shakes on a Plane: Shakes the Clown II … airborne! • Quakes on a Plane. An earthquake at 15,000 feet! (What? It’s possible.) • Brakes on a Plane. We’ll need them for landing! • Breaks on a Plane. Next summer’s feel-good dance movie … at 20,000 feet! • Flakes on a Plane. I don’t have a plot, but the Kellogg’s placement is a no-brainer. • Drakes on a Plane. Fowl play at 30,000 feet! (Baked-goods product placement, naturally. Which I guess would make it Cakes on a Plane.) • Fakes on a Plane. In which not just the snakes but the passengers and flight crew are generated via ILM FX. (And what has Mr. Frakes been up to since Star Trek: The Next Generation?)

—Posted by David Gianatasio