Emboldened by certain recent legal maneuverings in the ad business, I’ve decided to file a complaint against AdFreak. Though I haven’t actually been terminated, most people who’ve worked with me agree that’s probably just a clerical oversight, so I wanted to get out in front of the situation.
Here are my grievances:
• Robot brothel visit. Management said it was a Radio Shack and we were stopping in for extension cords. Since then, I’ve been so confused. AC or DC? It keeps me awake at night.
• Bathhouse excursion. OK, technically they just asked me to bathe more often at my own house. Still, illustrating my posts with those little “stink lines” was degrading.
• Office attire. Fridays sans pants are a little too “casual.” The fact that I was the only one not wearing them doesn’t enter into it.
• Office arguments. David Lee Roth was better than Sammy Hagar, and everybody knows it. I’m sorry the conversation turned ugly and wish Brian a speedy recovery. (Psst: He illegally downloads MP3s. Check his hard drive!)
• Coffee runs. If you want two sugars, then say so. I’m not a mindreader. And yes, I kept the change. It’s $1.25. Sue me. (I mean, countersue me.)
• Too many Davids. I was the first! Hiring Griner and Kiefaber was a clear form of intimidation. Why can’t we call them “Larry” and “Moe” instead? (I don’t see any extra Tims in the place.)
Ah, the other two Davids just served me with a complaint of their own, claiming they find it demeaning being referred to as “Larry” and “Moe.” I’m willing to make a deal: I’ll drop my suit if they drop theirs. They can even call me Curly.
—Posted by David Gianatasio