John Kerry is canceling appearances with Democratic candidates and needs some serious PR counsel after telling some college students in California, “Education—if you make the most of it, you study hard and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” The Vietnam veteran and failed 2004 presidential candidate has already fallen back on his service record and claimed he made a joke that was mangled in translation, but he just digs himself in deeper. Here’s my off-the-cuff strategy for redemption:
1) Show up uninvited on The Colbert Report. (Jon Stewart’s so December 2005.)
2) Offer to trade Colbert your Purple Hearts for his Peabody Award.
3) Hold up a photo of President Bush and explain that you meant to say that if you don’t study hard, do homework and make an effort to be smart, you can still get elected to our nation’s highest office—but may make decisions that will get you stuck in Iraq.
4) Do not under any circumstances mention “Swift Boats.”
5) Do not under any circumstances make another run for president.
—Posted by David Gianatasio