“If you’re the type of sicko who likes holing up in a tiny, closed office with reporters of questionable hygiene to build databases from scratch by hand-entering thousands of pages of documents to take on powerful people and institutions that wish you were dead, all for the glorious reward of having readers pick up the paper and glance at your potential prize-winning epic as they flip their way to the Jumble… well, if that sounds like journalism Heaven, then you’re our kind of sicko.”
—From a help-wanted ad placed by Matthew Doig of the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. Read the whole thing here.
Dear Mr. Doig:
I’m writing in response to your most excellent want ad to explain why I’d make a great addition to the newspaper’s investigative team. You state: “Every serious candidate should have a proven track record of conceiving, reporting and writing stellar investigative pieces.” My hard-hitting AdFreak exposés include blowing the lid off fiendish robot plots to subjugate mankind, with insightful reportage on the erotic union of man and shavebot and Burger King’s kitchen becoming a giant killing machine. I’ve also discovered that Denny’s is out to kill us; that didn’t take much of an investigation—a taste of its Grand Slam Breakfast did the trick. Plus, I’ve cracked the whole assvertising thing wide open! While none of these won Pulitzers, at least I didn’t make up the facts, which is more than some winners of journalism’s most prestigious prize can say. O-kay … I made up some of the facts.
Your ad further stipulates: “Our ideal candidate has also cursed out an editor, had spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threatened to resign at least once because some fool wanted to screw around with their perfect lede.” Well, most everyone hangs up on me, especially when I prank them, and I threatened to quit just this morning after my proposal for “Topless Fridays” got squelched. As for cursing out editors, I call ours an “f-ing doo-doo head” when the guy messes with my copy or I forget to take my Valium.
You also stress the need to “take on powerful people and institutions that wish you were dead.” I feel up to the challenge, especially after watching the first 45 minutes of All the President’s Men last night before I fell asleep.
BTW, if you should need employment in the near future, what with traditional media racing toward extinction, send a resume AdFreak’s way. Your ad mentions working in a “tiny, closed office with reporters of questionable hygiene,” so you’ll feel right at home.