AdFreak appreciates the thought behind this list of “12 ways to de-commercialize Christmas.” It’s good to introduce this concept early in the season before people are worn down by corny Christmas music and endless repeats of A Christmas Story. However, roughly half the suggestions involve randomized gift swapping, which means you still have to leave the house and buy things and put up with hearing “Jingle Bell Rock” everywhere you go. That won’t do. Here, then, are my tips for getting through the holidays without killing anyone.
1. Stop watching television. Christmas specials all have the exact same plot. And the seasonal, hypermaterialistic ad campaigns don’t come right out and call you a heartless miser if you don’t buy your family’s affections as much as they imply it, repeatedly, every chance they get.
2. Go play in the snow. I don’t care if you’re 50. Put some Icy-Hot on your back and start building snowmen.
3. Drink eggnog. It’s delicious. If you don’t like eggnog, you probably don’t like America, either.
4. Grace your front lawn with as many tasteless, brightly lit, motorized decorations as possible. Install waving Santas every three feet, and nativity scenes every five. Success comes when your house looks like a brain on a sheet of blotter acid.
I think that covers it. If you get started now, you’ll be all set by the 25th. And you’re not off the hook if you don’t celebrate Christmas. I can’t think of a religion that bans eggnog.
—Posted by David Kiefaber