From: Big Corporate CEO
To: All Staff
Re: Green initiatives are OFF! (Happy days are here again!)
Great news, gang! Brandweek says lots of our customers don’t care about the environment. Thank God, this whole green marketing mania had become a drag, and it’s high time consumers came to their senses. Let’s get out in front of the “Never Green” trend in a big way and catch the next (polluted) wave by acting irresponsibly, producing environmentally repugnant products as heinously as possible and advertising them in deviously despicable ways. Here’s our action plan:
1. Kill all the plants in the lobby, except the Ficus, which was a gift from my sister-in-law.
2. Smoking is now encouraged—nay, mandated—throughout the facility.
3. Our low-emissions guidelines are hereby suspended. Since we achieved our goals by falsifying factory records, no need to take action. (If nothing else, we’ll save us a fortune on Wite-Out.)
4. All biodegradable elements in our products and packaging will be replaced by plastic, shaped like rings and flavored with birdseed to lure unsuspecting gulls.
5. Vegan selections will be removed from the cafeteria. From now on, we’ll serve only dolphin steaks, veal patties and whole milk, the kind with the cream on top. (That 2 percent tastes like swill, am I right?)
6. On second thought, kill the Ficus, too.
7. Remove the solar panels from the roof. They’re really just TV antennas, and we’re getting new ones for the digital transition.
8. To enlarge our carbon footprint, senior personnel must fly to all business engagements located more than 20 miles from the office. Vouchers will be provided to those opting to take small planes and helicopters to work.
9. All advertising and promotions and will now consist of pornographic subliminal messages on the Fox Network. Suggest Crispin Porter + Bogusky for the assignment. (They’ll smell a gold at Cannes and do it on spec.)
10. Moving forward, we’ll produce just two products: guns and cigarettes, though a Cattle Club beef-jerky line—“Every cow guaranteed clubbed!”—is planned.
—Posted by David Gianatasio