Enjoy the text-heavy trainers at Gold’s Gym

Golds

There are several lessons to learn from McKinney's campaign for Gold's Gym. First, these places play excessively loud music, ranging from rave/disco and thrash-rock to Italiano, all of it brain-numbingly bad. Also, too many leg lifts make a person hallucinate and see troubling messages with each rep: "pressure," "critics, "cynics," "your own doubt." Yikes, I'm not getting on one of those things. Finally, everyone in the place is in much better shape than I am, except for that beefy guy in the "Anti-Pasta" spot. He looks angry and stupid, like he wouldn't have anywhere near enough IQ points to "know [his] own strength." So, I'm gonna pass on a membership. One wrong look, and that big ape's liable to snap me in half like a twig.

—Posted by David Gianatasio