Children can’t handle that PG-13 marketing

From: Big Hollywood Studio
To: Our Ad Agency
Re: Proposed changes to our ad campaign!

  A coalition of 19 pro-child groups wants filmmakers to stop promoting PG-13 films to kids via giveaways and such. Nineteen is a lot of groups. Who knew there were so many? We have to take this seriously! Please make the following changes to our marketing plans for Killer Chunky: Chunky’s Bloodbath in Hell. (Note: Yes, we are aware of a “Chucky” movie franchise that is reportedly similar to our “Chunky.” Legal is working on it.)
  1. Halt production of the Killer Chunky dolls. We would, however, like to commend you on your fine craftsmanship. Killer Chunky’s razor-blade fingers cut me so badly, I needed 21 stitches. Please send over prototypes we can give to nieces and nephews at holidays.
  2. Cancel media buys for Killer Chunky on Nick, Nick at Nite, Pre-Teen Nick and Baby Nick. Needless to say, we can go ahead as planned on Fox.
  3. Tie-in with Campbell’s for Killer Chunky “Bloody Meatball Surgery” soup is OUT.
  4. The Killer Chunky Early Reader book is OUT. At least now we don’t have to pay Thomas Harris.
  5. Killer Chunky’s sponsorship of K-12 report cards is OUT. Even McDonald’s can’t get away with that anymore. We can, however, move ahead with plans to emboss blood-stained Chunky logos on diplomas from Wharton and Yale, though Harvard Business and MIT’s Sloan School of Management want out. They’re so uptight about marketing in Boston!

—Posted by David Gianatasio