The 5 Strangest Things the 2016 Presidential Candidates Are Selling Online

Who wouldn't want a $1,000 Constitution?

The 2016 election may be more than a year away, but things are already getting weird.

One of the first places the strangeness is showing is in candidates' campaign stores, so we decided to compile a few of our favorite fundraising oddities.

(For the purposes of this list, fan-created merchandise is left off, though there are some truly laudable puns and other bits of wordplay out there like the Christie Creme T-shirt, "Feel the Bern" and "I'm Ridin' With Biden.")

As with any election coverage, just remember: this is our circus, and these are our monkeys. We've gone through all 22 declared candidates' campaign stores to find you the strangest things that are offered:

5. The Trump Party Cup ($20)

Official description: "Trump for President! Show your support while you sip your favorite beverage out of our campaign party cups."

These 16-ounce cups aren't quite big enough to get you through a presidential debate drinking game, but at least you'll be making your allegiances known (for better or worse). 

But for $20, I could buy a 50 pack of actual Solo cups and a fifth of Old Grand-Dad bourbon—a purchase sure to bring more lasting happiness than three cups I have to wash by hand.

Ted Cruz's store's drinkware category gets an honorable mention. If you're tailgating the RNC, check out his stadium cups. In comparison to Trump's, these are a steal at six for $20.

4. Scott Walker's Biography, at a Mere 2,250% Markup ($299)

Official description: "Don't miss your chance to get Governor Scott Walker's book, 'Unintimidated,' signed with a personalized note from the Governor. This exclusive item would make a great gift or memorabilia for the Scott Walker fan. Secure your book today while supplies last."

Unintimidated is currently selling for $12.74 on Amazon. But if you've been bitten and smitten by the Walker virus, you can spend a considerably steeper $299 for a signed and personalized copy. If you're looking for some Republican memorabilia on a tighter budget, a signed version of Ted Cruz's tome is $85 ($16.79 unsigned on Amazon), and an unsigned copy of Rand Paul's is $30 ($18.79 on Amazon).

3. A U.S. Constitution Signed by Rand Paul ($1,000)

Official description: "It's hard to find a greater defender of the U.S. Constitution in the Halls of Congress than Rand Paul. As a Constitutional conservative, he makes it the core of everything he does in Washington. If you would like a signed Constitution in a neatly bound book, contribute $1,000 and we will send you one. It's [sic] size is perfect for comfortable carrying in the pocket of a sport coat, a purse, laptop bag or in the back pocket of some worn out jeans."

Unless it's dipped in gold and hand delivered to me by Paul, I'm not spending $1,000 on a copy of the Constitution, a document I can print off the Internet. Even if I had the money and wanted a copy, I'd pass on principle: if you're going to ask for that much money, at least pay someone to fix your grammatical errors. 

2. (TIE) Hillary's Everyday Pantsuit Tee and the "Yaaas, Hillary" T-shirt ($30 each)

Official description (Pantsuit Tee): "Bringing a whole new meaning to casual Friday. Pantsuit bottoms not included. American Made. Union Printed.")

Official description (Yaaas, Hillary T-shirt): "Need we say more? American Made. Union Printed. 100% Cotton."

I'm all for not taking yourself too seriously. But the former secretary of state's campaign website appears as though her PR team recruited a bunch of college kids, threw a kegger, and let them throw darts to determine which products made it into the shop.

Other highlights include: a coozie emblazoned with "More like Chillary Clinton, amirite?" and a "Grillary Clinton" spatula.

1. Jeb Bush's Guaca Bowle ($75)

Official description: "Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now, you can get in on the act with this 'Guaca Bowle.' Jeb's secret guacamole recipe not included … yet."

Seriously? Jeb, Williams-Sonoma carries the same thing for less than $50, and it actually comes with a recipe. It's like someone in the campaign Googled "how to be folksy lol" and then used the search results to write the description for this guacamole bowl.

It also puts a bit too much faith in the shopper catching that it should be pronounced "Guaca Bowl-ee," unlike its golf-clap-worthy competitor, the Marco Polo.