The 5 Worst Ads of Super Bowl XLVII

1

Budweiser Black Crown ‘Coronation’

All style and no substance. The best thing about this new Budweiser beer is that … its bottle is black? "Here's to taste. Here's to our kind of beer," the guy says at the end. Here's to falling on your face in the very first ad pod of the Super Bowl. The other Black Crown ad was just as bad. (I think. I can't remember it.)

2

Subway ’15 Years’

Even Jared looks uncomfortable with the B-listers congratulating him on the 15th anniversary of his weight loss. That sad "sandwich cake" with the sparkler—a tragic reminder that he must never again eat real cake. Couldn't they have done some gag with Jared's old fat pants? Squeeze him into one leg of them or something?

3

Gildan Activewear ‘Getaway’

As we said last night: Nothing creepy at all about a guy removing a sleeping woman's shirt. No wait, super creepy. It's called "Getaway." It should be called "Go Away."

4

Beck’s Sapphire ‘No Diggity’

Anheuser-Busch sinks again with this too-cool-for-school black goldfish singing something about … who knows what. Beck's Sapphire, for those who drink like a fish.

5

Speed Stick ‘Unattended Laundry’

The '80s called and asked for this spot back, then rejected it for being too cheesy. Concept, sound, acting, punch line—uniformly horrible. The biggest loser of this year's game.