Audi: Emissions So Clean You can’t Even Kill Yourself

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By Matt Van Hoven

These days committing suicide is harder than ever. Example: those pesky signs leading out to the center of the Golden Gate bridge telling you “life’s worth it” and what not. Peshaw, sir, peshaw. Nowadays you can’t even rely on your earth-killing automobile for assistance. What has this world come to?!

They say women take the pills and men do stupid things that make their families put “closed casket” in the obit. So when this nice German-looking gent tries to off himself via asphyxiation, you’d think his car would acquiesce. Nay! Its exhaust is too clean and la-tee-da, Audi is happy about this.

Note: We’ve received like, three anonymous tips today (this is one of them, thank you random stranger!). Please send more, since we count on you for what’s good. Mmk? K.

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