You work at an agency, and for some reason you have the word ‘executive’ in your title. This causes you alarm because you’re only 23, but let’s not get mired in details. You need to impress the boss, a goal that is only hampered by the fact that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing (don’t worry, neither does anyone else), and that every time you talk someone threatens to fire you. You better get some tools, fast. Luckily, you have a smartphone. Here’s the quintessential app list for you, Mr./Ms./Mrs./pansexual advertising account executive.
As an advertising person, you make decisions (haha, no you don’t) based on real time info. Strategy, research, data; these are more than just words you remember from high school and sometimes hear in meetings, they’re actual things people create/do/collect as part of their jobs. But not you, because you’ve got CNBC Real Time.
Fire up this app when you need to impress that client with your counting skills (standing record for an account exec: 147) or when the boss lady walks by. Read the words you find in this app, and literally repeat them verbatim during meetings for an extra dose of savvitude. Whip out CNBC-RT in the elevator when you want to make that girl from strategy think twice about letting you have her digits, because nothing says “Do Me” like quarterly earnings reports and IPO valuations, am I right? I’m right.
2. Surf Report
Brah, you are literally the bane of everyone’s existence who isn’t also in accounts. Why? They don’t respect you, unless you have earned their respect by whipping out CNBC-RT at an opportune moment. But since you only just learned about it, we have to assume everyone still hates you. So, let’s break down those walls with Surf Report, the app that “takes the mystery out of checking the surf”, which will come in handy when you’re ready to quit your job and run straight into the ocean like David Hasselhoff, without the slow-mo or ground beef chest.
If you’re lucky enough to work on the left coast, use Surf Report as a point of entry (write that down) to the ‘creative department’. You likely haven’t had any contact with this group of unruly rogues/roguesses, but you’re going to. And the only way they’ll like you is if you tell them when it’s cool to surf. If you’re on the east coast, replace Surf Report with Instagram and buy some Warby Parkers.
This app is going to be a must, since you don’t own a car (who could on a salary of $18 per year?). Why do you need a car when taking the subway/bus works fine? To bail your boss out of jail/pick her up from the Taco Bell off Route 9 at 4 am on a Wednesday, son. Or daughter. Whatever your sexual organ situation, expect to be someone’s bitch at least once. Reduce the time it takes you to accomplish said bitch work by having a car at the ready at all times.
This is a search engine. Use it to search the internet. I’d recommend Google but you’d just find a way to fuck it up for everyone. Stick to Yahoo. Or Bing. Or Opera.
You’re going to overdraw on your bank accounts a lot, especially while entertaining clients (son, do not ever ask for an expense account, those days were over long before you showed up). Use Mint.com to track how much this shit job is losing you.
You’re probably going to need to hack into a few computers now and then. Use this to remember the passwords.
7. Medical Marijuana Grow App
Someone’s got to keep the creative team juiced (stoned), and they’ve got deadlines to meet. Since pot delivery guys aren’t usually allowed into the agency, it’s up to you to keep a stash growing in a closet somewhere. Since Apple doesn’t allow this apps of this nature (how to grow cannabis), you’ll have to buy an Android phone just so you can download this app. Hey man, creative juices don’t flow from stone, or something. They flow from stoners. Yeah, that’s it. That’s totally what you should do.