I don't care what YouTube says, this infomercial for the "Comfort Wipe" can't be real. My mind won't allow it to be. For God's sake, it starts off by asking how much we're all sick of folding toilet paper, as if we would all nod our heads and agree that, yes, the whole process is a savage antiquity. We're then expected to accept that wiping with a fancy stick is a bold step forward in our personal sanitary habits. No. This is not right. A fat guy cannot cite "advantages" to being fat and in the same breath acknowledge that he needs help sanitizing his crevasse, at which point the voiceover says the product helps people retain their dignity. I keep looking for The Onion's logo in the corner, and it's not there. And I weep.

—Posted by David Kiefaber