Two of the geniuses accused of plotting to steal Coca-Cola trade secrets (and sell them to Pepsi) each pleaded guilty Monday to one count of conspiracy. They face 10 years in prison and fines of $250,000. Sentencing is set for Jan. 29. Why waste jail space on these two? They fessed up—and really, how vital to our national security could Coke’s secrets be? From now on, make them drink Tab, and nothing but. Turn them into mind-stickers! That’ll teach ’em. A former Coke secretary is slated to stand trial next month. The AP quotes her attorney thusly: “She is absolutely not pleading.” So, she wants to waste the court’s time, too. If convicted, make her (and that lawyer) drink nothing but Fresca for the rest of their lives. Sure, it’s kind of refreshing once in a while. But you try slurping that stuff every time you’re thirsty. It’s nasty! Ah well, let the punishment fit the crime.

—Posted by David Gianatasio