This might be the wrong economic climate in which to launch Despondex, "the first-ever prescription depressant," but it's hard to deny The Onion its subversive merrymaking. And there's certainly an appeal to any drug that keeps people from personalizing their license plates. Homeopathic methods of tempering one's chipperness, like considering man's impact on nature or keeping up with the news, are also good. But I would also suggest a dual treatment of medications like Despondex alongside lectures from one's parents about how you should have majored in business/marketing instead of English. Wearing pants at every opportunity can only help, too.

—Posted by David Kiefaber